I have been thinking a lot lately...

.. About life... the good & bad of where I am & what Bree, Nick & I (as well as D & TMK, Scott & Kel, Lucky & K... Hell, all of us for that matter...) are trying to do with our lives & how we have been getting along in it...

I sometimes think about how great it would be to get to go back & do some things over again - anyone else do that?

The "what would u change if u had the chance?" But then I think "do I ever think about how those things play into the person that I am right now - would we chance not being here right now, with the friends we have & the relationships... @ what cost would we give them up?"

If u made right one wrong or even just changed one little thing, how much of the life you have now would not be ur life? Or other people's lives for that matter... How much does every moment, every choice, no matter how small, affect your right now?

I was thinking about this car accadent that I got into back in High School - it was Senior year, I was coming home on 31 from K-mart or something.... It had been raining, so the ground was wet & when the light turned yellow I stopped - now anyone who knows me, knows I almost always run the yellow, even run a lot of reds if I think I can get away with it, but this time, like many others before & after, I stopped... Moments later, this mini-van hit a wet spot, couldn't stop & rear-ended me into the intersection, inches from a phone pole... Worst thing that happened to me was I spilled my Mnt. Dew, & we all know what a crime that is :) Anyhow, I thought about it again today for some reason - what if I had burned the yellow? Would that woman have hit the pole? When she hit me, she & her kids were just fine - even her car was fine - but without me there to stop her, what would have happened? Would she have been hurt or worse yet, died?

Bree loves to watch E! all the time, & I admit I watch it from time to time myself - I mean, who am I kidding - I live in Hollywood & work in the entertainment industry - more than any one I know, my life & carrer is all about celebs, movies & money... So I see the True Hollywood Stories, hear about how hard they had it for years & years before they made it... How hard some stars still have it getting passed over all the time... It made me wonder - do I look back @ the past through rose colored glasses? Because all I seem to see are the fun times but not the sleepless nights, the tears & pain that went hand in hand with all the good stuff too...

Then, as I was standing, waiting for the train today I thought "This moment is the best & worst moment of your life - this is as hard as it will ever get & as great - because this is what u have right now - who knows where you will be tomorrow - maybe good, maybe bad - but right now you know what you have, what is real - & what you have is love, respect, family & friends, a dream that comes truer with every passing day. The past was nice, but it was hard as hell as well as fun, and it is the past. The future looks to hold lots of great things - maybe tomorrow, maybe 5 years from now, but they are at least a day away. So now is the time to see that life is hard sometimes & easy other times - but enjoy the now"

I know that is something you hear when u are like 5 years old, TV tells you this as well as every self-help book under the sun... But I guess I came to this though as I tied my shoes to head off to work, had to clean up after my dog & wondered when I would get to do what I want with my life... I then stopped & realized I AM doing what I want - I audition all the time - am working on the SAG card, just got new headshots - Bree just got a TV show for craps sake! :)

I guess overall, I just felt the need to vent - which when I can't do coffee anymore to do so, the blog-space we have to keep us together is the next best thing

I love & miss you guys, friends and family - thanks for listening to my rant!

J.

PS - Scott, how do I set up the beta blogger if I want to keep this blog running? Can I make them one? Peace out!